RESTING....

TOP: Anne and I at Tugela Mouth. We went camping as families after my 3rd chemo. I mention her later in my note.

SECOND: Shehaam came to help us for a week during radiation. During the week she was here Cheryl and Neil (Cheryl is below) had blessed us with a week timeshare closer to Durban to help with transport and give us a break. What an awesome time. Sham and I kept out of the sun while we watched Mark and the kids snorkel and swim.

THIRD: Cheryl left and Paula middle are 2 local friends who have been so faithful in prayer, emotional support and practical encouragment.

FOURTH: The Sunbury team carries a lot of our daily burden. Most of the faces change. But second from right are Greg and Carlene Seghers (our team leaders) - please pray for them as they carry much of the extra load these next weeks. Kevin and Teen right are now back in the USA and Teen helped us a lot during chemo and radiation while here with schooling the kids. In the middle is Ruth Maxwell SIM who has been a huge support and wisdom bringer to us since the beginning of this journey.

This second kind of chemo’s side effects are much easier than the first lot. No nausea or hair loss and my brain is a little clearer. But, the fatigue has been much more debilitating for a woman who likes to be very productive. This has meant much simplification of life. My days revolve around homeschooling the kids, sleeping and making supper. A lot more has fallen to Mark, which has meant a lot more stress for him. We’ve had to downscale his workload so he can cope with the load on top of deceasing emotional reserves after a year of keeping it all together with no certainties promised for after chemo ends. We’ve been prepared for a 50:50 chance of secondary’s occurring from the breast cancer, even tho the surgery was so successful and the cancer responded so well to the chemo. Its all in His hands. We’ve had to learn that rest is s vital part of the journey. Even the kids are waning and tired and we’re needing to let them sleep later in the mornings. More importantly, I’m learning the lesson of resting in Him. Its sounds easy, but I’ve found it a journey of discovery. What does it really mean ... Can I share this with you….?

I believe everyone is on a journey of discovering who Jesus is – and that He came to die for each of our sins so that we can approach and be with God in heaven (perfectly loved and healed J) forever. As I know him more, I’m floored by this love for each of us by his unselfish acts.

It is my experiance that this decision on our behalf is not the end of our journey. With it begins the journey of learning to rest in Him. I trusted Jesus as my savior when I was 24. But I didn’t trust him with everything right away. Oh, what incredible grace that He loved me fully anyway and trusted me to share His love with others! My journey involved resting in Him for small things initially – relationship issue’s, work issues, spiritual warfare in my life. Later came resting in Him for whether to go overseas to work for a while, whether to become a missionary, how to get to Bible College, resting in Him for the finances, visa’s etc., resting in Him for our children, resting in Him for how He wanted to use my visual impairment, giving him my most loved job as an occupational therapist and resting in him for how He wanted to use that experience and now giving Him my family as we face cancer and resting in His wisdom and grace for how He is working in ways we cannot yet see or understand.

From the years of seeing Him providing for me His unconditional love, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness to not manipulate me but to rather get my attention by a gentle whisper in a circumstance or a loving nudge in a time of disobedience. Showing me His great wisdom as I’ve sort to follow His open doors without knowing where the next step might lead – or looking back after the fact to see why and how He lead us – with awe and a humble heart… and great joy at His love and grace.

Anne, a dear friend, gave me a CD in June for my birthday, we got our cancer diagnosis in July and one of those songs has come to mean a great deal to me these last months. Do you see His fingerprints of love? Its from scripture to music.

Do not be anxious about anything (Phew Lord, how do I do that when everything around me is spinning, all I want to do is cry and cry, when I want to scream in fear when I look at Mark and the kids, when I don’t understand….)

But in everything (you mean good and bad I know Lord… )

By prayer and petition (oh Lord that I can pray and tell you just want I think and feel, what I want and think I need… You love me so much and I’m so safe with you that I can put it out there just as it’s inside me. I don’t have to have it neat and tidy, just real and true. So I can share it with you.)

And thanksgiving (what!, be thankful for this or thankful that you have the outcomes in your hands. Or thankful for how You have worked in my life until now. Or thankful that you are GOD and gracious to give me strength…. Or just to have a heart of thankfulness instead of an underlying discontentment or fear. A gentle decision to be shakingly following, uncertain of tomorrow but thankful, trying to trust you with everything?)

Present your requests to God (Oh thank you Lord that I can do this knowing I am so very loved and accepted… flaws, fears and all. And, thank you Lord I can have a heart of thankfulness as your many blessings in love, friends, provision pour out to me, to us in great abundance – showing me your extravagant love for this limping me. Just because you love me, even during this trial, your love never fails. But why Lord do you ask me to not be anxious but to talk to you honestly with thanksgiving…?

And the peace of God (oh please Lord give me the rest of your peace. I need it so much!)

That transcends all understanding (Oh Lord Jesus, I can’t understand how, but its pushing away my fear and it feels so light and free, give me more, give me more, thank you for tears…. )

Will guard your heart and your mind (Oh yes Lord don’t allow the enemy any place to use this fear or this situation. I am yours and need Your truth and your next steps. I don’t have to understand, I just need to trust your steps for me one at a time. I don’t have to have answers, You have them. The enemy just wants me to fall down. You can hold me up with my head high in this storm of life because You guard me…

In Christ Jesus. (I see Jesus.. if I am putting it all in Your lap, resting in your arms, trying not to be anxious, but being real with you – you do this miracle of giving unexplainable peace…. Sigh.

Its not about seeing my prayers answered right now, the way I want them, but its about having peace through the journey knowing You know my hearts desire and feeling your smile on me because I’m trusting your best for me without understanding. Help me Lord to do this moment by moment, day by day…. I am Yours…

Even in my suffering…

To God be the Glory