OVERWHELMED BUT NOT CRUSHED...

Lome (next to me) didn't hesitate in offering help to the children at the start of chemo.  She is a play therapist.  I would never have thought of that in the midst of being overwhelmed by everything coming at me.

 ‘Do not be anxious about anything….’ Ja sure… when cancer came into our lives….  I found this had to be a conscious and determined action amidst turmoil….  Holding onto His promises proved true by past events in my life and walk with Jesus. 

Feelings of being overwhelmed I remember clearly…

Cancer hit us in July 2010.

Immediately I was overwhelmed by love – the love communicated to us immediately and over the next long months, meant so much.  Maybe its because it was a good reminder that we weren’t alone and somehow the Lord used that to whisper in my ear that He was there too…I was also immediately overwhelmed by His provision.  From food to assistance with lifts to treatment to financial assistance to practical help with the children. 

There was also the overwhelming things of reality.  I’d never had cancer before and although I have a very high comfort level with medical things, I’d never worked or known anyone who’d had chemo or radiation before.  Up until that point they had been only words!  Now they were going to happen to me!

 As time and treatment went on, I became more overwhelmed with how tired I was and how unproductive, no matter how hard I tried.  Even once treatment ended, my fatigue, though improving, was much lower than I’d expected.

Being overwhelmed by fear, was for me, the scariest.  What if the worst happened.  I had to face the reality that I would die one day.  Funny how I’d so often thought about my life (wanting it to be glorifying of the Lord Jesus) and I’d thought a lot about heaven.  But I’d thought little about my death.  The process of it and how it may or may not be glorifying of the Lord. 

The 'what ifs' as they impacted my loved ones was also scarry.  Good reason for much anxiety.  The regular trip to the foot of His cross with my fears, anxiety, overwhelmeness…. realizing that He was more than able to meet me there and pry my fingers open so that I was even able to leave my parcel at His cross.  Then the miracle happened… ‘the peace that transcends all understanding’.  The experience of His personhood right with me, His arms around me, His tears touching my head as I cried in His arms, His extravagant love for me… has taken me to a new place in my relationship with Him.  How could I not want that…  I think the reality is, that only a journey that brings us to the end of ourselves, enables us to know Him in deeper ways. 

Then there was the sense of becoming more and more of a burden.  Cancer treatment is long, long, long….  It was tiring for us, but also for those alongside us day to day.  You’re also not the same old fun person while on the journey (though thankfully we’re finding that side to ourselves again).  Life becomes pretty serious as time goes on. 

2 and half years out, I can look back and wonder…

So how does it feel to be overwhelmed?

For me, the helper of others, it was overwhelming to now be the one needing help.  It does not feel LEKKER (translation=very nice).  Being overwhelmed feels like your cup is full to the brim, any extra drops causes it to splash.  The anticipation of such a splash causes extreme stress and anxiety.  I found I was unable to think straight.  I didn’t know what I needed.  I couldn’t always ask for help because I wasn’t always at the place of thinking about what I needed.

So what helped? 

Truth. 

I am so thankful for His ministry to me in the past, that I could draw from.  Truths like “I am loved’, He is in control’ took on added meaning now faced with cancer.  They were still true.  When I asked ‘why me Lord’, He opened my eye’s to His gentle answer, ‘why not?’.  Why wouldn’t He take His people to the hard places of life.  There are so many people there, without Him, trying to make sense of life.  Why wouldn’t He bring His light into those places.  I would certainly not have chosen this road for myself, but I also had an opportunity to be useful to Him while on it. 

Looking out. 

Looking inward all the time, caused me to be overwhelmed.  Looking outward, being mindful of still being His vessel (broken and held together by Him, but, still useful to Him), I found that consciously looking outside of myself gave me hope, a purpose and stopped me from becoming full of self pity.  I started focusing on not missing opportunities to be an encouragement to others. 

Looking out also allowed me the opportunity to see the hands and people trying to help (though I could not initiate in relationship, I could grab on to someone close, whether in person or on email).

Looking up.

Keeping my focus on His face was also vital in keeping that sense of not being crushed by it all.  Somehow it made sense to Him.  I could trust Him with my journey and with my loved ones.  I didn’t need to understand why.  I just needed to rest in His loving arms and keep my focus on things ‘above’. 

Grace.

Extending grace to myself – its OK to feel upside down inside and not know any answers.  Faith amidst a storm needn’t look a certain way.  Maybe sometimes, peace can feel upside down, even though faith is strong.  Also extending grace to do less, expect less and c communicate the need for rest was also necessary to not be overrun. Thankfully many good friends reminded me of that on a regular basis for which I am so thankful. 

His grace to me was precious, following and during the many times when the feelings did overwhelm me, when I missed an opportunity or when my life did not bring Him the glory it should have.

So what would I do differently?

… now when coming alongside someone else who seems overwhelmed by what is in their lives? 

I would ask more specific questions about what they are experiencing on the inside.  I would make contact with them on a regular basis regardless of their response and I wouldn’t wait in responding to a need, even if it is just washing their dishes or making their bedJ

Putting our anxiety at the foot of His cross through times of difficulty is an important step in our faith.  We can leave it there only by His grace to take our fingers off for us and …

… we can rest in His arms…. because He surrounds us

…  we can trust Him… because He’s in control

…  we can be open with Him… because He loves us no matter what we say

…  we can flounder… because He is directing us

Even though broken, stuck together with glue, in need of a major paint job or even amidst the process of being remolded…  we are still looked at with shining eye’s and so very useful to a Father and Lord who knows everything.

This was the basis for my sharing (1 of 3) at the 2013 ZEMA conference (google ZEMA to find out more about the mission we serve with:).  This I shared after Mark had shared from the life of Peter.